SHAME
the hidden force
QuiEtly telling me That I wasn’t enough
I’m Pete ARMSTRONG
THIS IS MY STORY
For years, I lived with anxiety, anger, and loneliness — driven to achieve, yet struggling to be present or patient with my kids. I was unhappy inside and there was unspoken shame shaping my relationships. I assumed I was the only one who felt like this and the pain was all mine to bear.
achievement
felt good but something was
Missing
I CHECKED ALL THE BOXES
GREAT CAREER, KIDS, mARRIED, house
Despite all of that, I still never felt like I was “enough” — this is just the way my life is.
I didn’t Feel Like I belonged
I grew up with an angry dad. Yelling at us became yelling and fighting with the neighbors. I felt embarrassed of my family. By extension, I was labeled the problem kid – an outcast. I wasn’t allowed to play in the other neighbors’ yards. I didn’t feel liked or that I belonged.
My parents eventually divorced. My dad went to prison. I was living with a single mom. I was a fatherless child — I had nobody leading me or guiding me. My mom was just hanging on. Home never felt like home. My only family was my friends.
The root cause of all my struggles were from childhood Experiences That led me to believe i didn’t belong, That I wasn’t enough — that I wasn’t worthy of love.
I Was Either ESCAPing From pain or striving for something
I would skip out in high school. I drank. I looked for escape anywhere I could find it including in pornography at a young age. I experimented with drugs — eventually even some petty selling of drugs. It wasn’t just for the money, but because I was starving to feel significant.
And yet I was driven and hard working. I had a paper route. I got a job in a high-end restaurant. Even then, part of me was trying to prove I mattered. I tried college for a couple years but dropped out. I didn’t apply myself and drank more than I should.
I wanted to prove that I mattered
Meanwhile, I’d numb MY pain FROM feeling SO disconnected
I FOUND OUT I’d BE A DAD
At 24, I learned I was gonna be a father to my now daughter Frances. That news was sobering to say the least and it helped me slow down enough to get my priorities straight but I still carried all this anger, anxiety and shame. I rose to the occasion but still felt hollow.
I worked in high-end restaurants, eventually becoming a bar manager. A good man, Joe Sagio taught me how to tend bar, and well. It was a fun job, people like their bartender and Joe gave me fatherly attention when my dad wasn’t around.
I wish my dad would have been there for me as a boy.
My dad was not present and truly “there”
I was sad and lonely in retrospect.
THE TASTE OF SUCCESS AND THE THOUGHT OF LOSS
People noticed how I was with customer service while working as bar manager — great at working with others, showing genuine care and hospitality — creating memorable experiences was my stock and trade then. I soon got poached/recruited from there and wound up doing well for myself in a leadership role as a District Manager with 30 direct reports. It felt good to hear the praise that came with it, to be seen and handsomely rewarded while honing my natural leadership skills. I was being groomed for a higher role in the company, come to find out.
Within months of starting the position we were expecting a second child, my son Etienne. He was born sick — a congenital birth defect required surgery. We would spend 6 to 7 weeks in the NICU. That was a wake up call to what was important in this world. Not knowing if my son was going to live or die, it taught me what love actually means. I’m so grateful he’s here with me. Yet when the crisis passed, I went back to the achievement treadmill without lasting change in my thoughts and behaviors.
Not knowing if my son was going to live or die taught me what it is to love someone.
There’s nothing more important
than the love FOR my children.
Everything came crashing down
By the time the housing market collapse fully sank in, I broke up with the mother of my children. Then 2010 rolls around – I tear my ACL and 2 days later, lost my job. My ex announced “I’m moving to St. Louis and taking the kids with me.” That was not about to happen. I didn’t know what else to do other than to fight for my kids. I got a lawyer and won primary placement for my children, raising them both myself. I had been reduced to nothing by then but I had that fatherly instinct to take care of them and raise them as best I could — however little I knew.
The torn ACL injury required a 6 month healing period and with the tough job market I decided to go back to school at UW Milwaukee as a 30 year old, single dad. I was living on student loans by this point, working part time too, but we still needed assistance — it hurt my pride. I was featured in stories in UWM publications multiple times – hailed as a super dad. Sure, it was admirable standing up for my kids taking things head. That felt good but I was anything but “good” always angry and in turmoil.
If home life’s not right, nothing’s right.
What I realized is that my most important role is being a father — full stop.
Therapy Opened the door…
While I was finishing my degree, I sought out help in therapy and came to learn that I had depression, anxiety and childhood trauma along with flickers of an addictive personality there to distract me from all the pain. It was the start of my journey in understanding that it is not normal to feel like that and that life doesn’t have to be that way.
Despite this newfound awareness, and continued appointments I did not receive the tools I needed to effectively grapple with my internal struggles much less the behaviors that were causing harm and hampering my relationships. I couldn’t seem to maintain patience with my kids for any duration of time.
I was angry that therapy didn’t equip me with the right tools.
We never got to the root cause.
I had everything, yet I had nothing.
I met a woman in grad school who I went on to marry. Myself, Frances and Etienne followed her to Madison after we graduated with our Masters and I got a job at UW-Madison – where I could apply my research in what is a world class institution, managing a $15M flagship program. I loved leading a customer service team, felt confident, came across as smart and witty, yet you would not encounter that same person inside at home, you’d find me still yelling at my kids. My marriage was struggling. I stopped speaking up for myself and avoided difficult conversations.
Meanwhile, a pandemic breaks out — COVID, great. That put incredible pressure on my marriage with zero space as the kids were doing school in the house, my wife and I both working from home – it was a lot of chaos in one place. We simply had fundamentally different approaches to parenting and when she suggested we basically ship off the kids to St. Louis to live with my ex-wife, I had had it – I stuck up for my kids again. That became the last straw for me. We decided to separate and get a divorce.
It’s hard to put a word to the emotion.
Now I had the words to describe it.
Having been to therapy, I had some of the vocabulary with which to search around to grasp “what exactly am I experiencing right now?” I wondered how I got into this type of a relationship again.
What I quickly learned was I have co-dependency issues, an “attachment type” essentially meaning I’m insecure, to use a therapy term. That’s when I caught wind of coaching.
HOW COACHING JUST CLICKS
In 2018, while working at UW-Madison, I took a training on coaching. In that training I found a passion for coaching people. What I was feeling with my cohort, this technique and modality of overcoming their problems through coaching. I knew 2-hours into the program this was what I’m going to wind up doing for the rest of my life, when I’m ready.
First, I hired a life coach to help me address the things that were in my way. She helped me see my blind spots and also form a vision a coaching business of my own. One of the most pivotal experiences in my life – a course in which I learned the most was by going through “Positive Intelligence” (PQ), a mental fitness program in a cohort along with 3 friends who were business owners and executives.
For the first time, I discovered I wasn’t alone in my struggle. While we were successful on the outside, the four of us were eating ourselves alive inside in the relationships with their loved ones. We shared many common threads: angry, leaning on alcohol — unable to just be comfortable with ourselves.
In Positive Intelligence, I learned these feelings and beliefs are pervasive as well as hardwired into our brains from caveman days — we’re running old software in that inner voice. It’s trying to protect us based on patterns we’ve seen in ourselves, amplifying failures and limitations, creating false beliefs about our character and who we are. It often does not serve us.
THAT CRITICAL VOICE YOU HEAR INSIDE YOUR HEAD
That’s not who you are
Once you learn how to practice empathizing with yourself, you’ll no longer believe the negativity and straight up lies you’re likely telling yourself and don’t even recognize it as such. We can crack it.
THE PQ course taught me more in 6 weeks than therapy did in 5 years. Something’s broken here in our mental health CARE system that only mental fitness techniques can fix.
The Positive Intelligence course, along with coaching was a game changer for me. It helped me truly believe in myself. It let go of huge amount of pressure. By working hard, being insatiably curious and applying myself in the coursework — then literally practicing mental fitness as if I were at the gym, my PQ score was off the charts, like the kind of hockey stick growth successful startups are gunning for. It didn’t happen in a vacuum though, it came through working with a coach.
Empathy
the gateway TO feeling enough
Dr. Gabor Mate says “Trauma isn’t what happened to you. It’s what happens inside you because of what happened to you.” Learning to empathize with yourself is the path to becoming who you truly are. Watch my TEDx talk: When Success Isn’t Enough: The Hidden Barrier to Happiness.
THE MAKING OF A COACH, and taking up the call
My life will never the be the same after participating in that Positive Intelligence course — the changes were intrinsic and in terms of my life’s trajectory. I’ve put up plenty of W’s. I’ve always been a natural leader. Coaching not only made perfect sense on paper, but rather it jumped off the page and became a full on calling nearly out of the gate — loud and clear. I’m no longer just “looking good on paper” you can see it on my face — you can’t fake it. I’m living into the best version of myself and getting 1% better each day in one area or another anyhow.
Because of my experience with Positive Intelligence (PQ, the mental fitness regiment I still practice every day) and felt I had a duty to share it with other men, I decided to undertake the 6-month training program to become a certified PQ coach to be able to teach it to others.
Later, the mindset coach I started with introduced me to Tommy Walker and, because I was ready – the teacher appeared. He mentored me for 2 years and it had a dramatic impact on my approach, furthering my ability to relate and dig deeper with clients. From there, I set off on a path to better understand childhood trauma becoming a certified Trauma-Informed Coach, an intensive 6-month program.
Following my formal training, I graduated to working under Connor Beaton to translate these this gamut of learnings to working specifically with men. Through a trauma based lens, using somatic based teachings together we can heal inner wounds and become better men, fathers and leaders.
ON A MISSION
To help men remember who they are and reach their
highest potential, leaving a legacy rooted in love.
Find YOUR INNER CHILD any WAY you can and hold ONTO him
The key to learning to empathize with myself came when I looked at a photo of my son, he was 12 years old at the time and looked exactly like me.. I suddenly broke down crying. It occurred to me that if Etienne broke down feeling like I did, I would do everything in my power, to help him not feel that way. The switch flipped, I realized I didn’t love or even like myself. “I’m NOT a bad person” I decided. From that day forward, I learned how to empathize with, love and accept myself.
When you heal that little boy inside, you can then become the confident man you were designed to be.
MEET Pete
Armstrong
FATHER, COACH & MEN’S ADVOCATE
Radical authenticity, deep connection, fun, and enduring happiness are the product of my process in working with high-achieving men. I help men believe in themselves again and be present at home with the people they love.
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You yearn for a life filled with joy, connection, and fulfillment but not sure how to guide yourself. You don’t fully know who you are, want to know your greater purpose, and what life is really about. You know you have more to offer. You know you have greatness inside of you and are ready to discover more of who you are.
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You often feel guilt, anxiety and/or lonely. You fear that you can’t be fully you. You’re driven in your career or successful in your business but often fear being judged, lonely at times, overwhelmed and/or feel emotionally incompetent. You’ve checked a lot of the boxes, worry too much, and are not truly happy. You want to let go of attaching your worth to your achievements.
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You feel emotionally incompetent and struggle to be present. You crave deep intimacy with your wife/partner and want to be fully present with your children. You might be ready to admit you need to learn more about yourself and become emotionall fit. It’s time to surrender to something greater than your ego. Do it for your family.
WHO I work with
PROUD
FATHER OF THREE
Showing up for myself
helps me show up
FOR THOSE I LOVE
WHAT IF YOU FORGAVE
YOURSELF?
IT’S A TOOL TO UNLOCKING YOUR
HAPPINESS, LEGACY
AND DEEPER CONNECTION
I didn’t know there was
this whole other side of life
I hear it from clients frequently. Once you start putting in the work, your relationship with your wife and children will get better – intimate moments won’t feel forced. Good self-leadership makes a better leader.
Take the
LEAP
I’m still learning, making mistakes, and growing.
It’s a journey. You’re not alone brother.
